Thursday, May 23, 2013

Thursday's Child Has Far To Go

Reading that made me cringe.  Far to go.....I've already had far to go and I am THAT kid...Are.We. There.Yet?  On that Thursday so long ago, oh, how far I had to go....and on this Thursday morning sitting here, I can't help but wonder, when Lord?

I struggle.  I look at what I think I know (Proverbs 3:5-6 never far from my mind) and I wonder why Lord? Am I that bad?  Was I that horrible?  Do You love me? Do You love them more? Do You even see me? And on one of the rare days where I let these questions come out, because hearing them hurts, but holding them in at times feels even worse, I said these things aloud to one of my sisters. 

She quietly listened and then looked me in the eye and said "Then give it all up.  Everything God has taught you, everything He's brought you through, everything you know is right.  Just give it up.  Trade what you have for what they have."  And I realized that I had the choice, I could.  But in the same second, I realized that I really couldn't.  Not now, not after all this....

There are days that this seems endless....far to go.  No answers in sight.  Nothing.  Just same ole', same ole'.  Are You even here Lord?  This is the road I have chosen.  To seek Him, to follow His Word.  Even on the days this seems pointless...foolish, and it seems like I have come so far, but shutter at the fact I might have far to turning back.  No turning back.

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